Week 1
Arrival and Orientation
Confirming your location, reviewing oxygen, and accepting that Earth is not a temporary inconvenience.
Est. Approximately 4.5 Billion Years Ago
Apparently, You’re on Earth.
A 12-week orientation for humans, recent arrivals, and adults whose planetary training appears incomplete.
Life on Earth involves gravity, money, families, dishes, weather, consequences, neighbors, feelings, and an alarming number of passwords. Earth School offers structured instruction for anyone who missed orientation.
Applications accepted from humans and verified off-world visitors. Proof of previous incarnation is not required.
Official Bulletin No. 001
Admissions Are Now Open
For the first time in approximately 4.5 billion years, Earth has agreed to explain itself.
The next 12-week orientation cohort is now accepting applications.
No prerequisites are required. Some familiarity with oxygen is recommended.
- 12-week program
- Live or group-based instruction
- Practical assignments
- Family and community studies
- Certificate of Planetary Competency
- Optional Earth Residency Permit
The Problem
You Were Supposed to Receive an Orientation
Most adults were issued a birth certificate, several conflicting instructions, and no reliable operating manual.
As a result, many otherwise intelligent Earth residents remain unclear about:
- 01Why actions have consequences
- 02Why other people object to being ignored
- 03Why food must be acquired repeatedly
- 04Why laundry returns
- 05Why feelings do not disappear when placed in storage
- 06Why family members continue having independent opinions
- 07Why gravity refuses to negotiate
- 08Why the shopping cart belongs in the shopping cart area
Earth School addresses these educational gaps.
Eligibility
Earth School May Be Appropriate for You If…
01
You have ever stared at your calendar as though seeing time for the first time.
02
Your family has suggested that you “come back to Earth.”
03
You are highly educated but unable to locate the correct Tupperware lid.
04
You believe consequences should make an exception in your case.
05
You have mistaken avoidance for a long-term strategy.
06
You have recently arrived from another planet.
07
You are unsure whether you arrived from another planet.
08
You understand complex systems but not your spouse.
09
You have strong opinions about society but do not return shopping carts.
10
You suspect adulthood requires remedial instruction.
Applicants need not meet every condition. One is generally sufficient.
Course of Study
The Core Earth Curriculum
Twelve weeks of practical planetary instruction, delivered in the order in which Earth generally presents its difficulties.
Week 2
Gravity and Other Non-Negotiables
Understanding physical limits, bodily maintenance, sleep, weather, and why roofs should not be used as launch platforms.
Week 3
Food, Water, and Personal Maintenance
Feeding yourself, hydration, hygiene, laundry, and other recurring systems no one appears to have automated.
Week 4
Time
Calendars, appointments, deadlines, seasons, aging, and the irreversible nature of “five more minutes.”
Week 5
Money and Resources
Earning, spending, saving, borrowing, paying bills, and why the bank does not accept good intentions.
Week 6
Feelings
Identifying them, expressing them, surviving them, and recognizing that other Earth residents also possess them.
Institutional Structure
Academic Departments
Department of Gravity
Maintaining downward continuity since planetary formation.
Bureau of Common Sense
Currently operating with limited staff.
Office of Human Maintenance
Food, sleep, hygiene, medical appointments, and other inconvenient necessities.
Division of Family Dynamics
Studying why five people can remember the same holiday differently.
Ministry of Consequences
Processing cause and effect without exception.
Department of Lost Socks
Research remains inconclusive.
Office of Community Standards
Shopping carts, shared spaces, noise, queues, and basic planetary cooperation.
Department of Time
Unable to issue extensions.
Procedure
Your 12-Week Orientation
- 1
Apply
Complete a brief planetary readiness assessment.
- 2
Attend Orientation
Meet your instructors, housemasters, and fellow confused residents.
- 3
Complete Field Assignments
Assignments may include washing dishes, arriving on time, apologizing correctly, calling a relative, reading instructions, or standing quietly in a grocery store.
- 4
Graduate
Successful participants may receive a Certificate of Planetary Competency and provisional recognition as a Level I Earthling.
Certification does not guarantee competence during family holidays.
Outcomes
By Graduation, Students May Be Able To…
- Recognize common Earth responsibilities
- Maintain basic personal systems
- Participate more effectively in families
- Understand cause and effect
- Navigate work and community expectations
- Care for shared spaces
- Communicate without issuing a manifesto
- Distinguish an emergency from an inconvenience
- Accept that other people are not background characters
- Complete selected household tasks without recognition
- Remain on Earth for extended periods with reduced supervision
Graduation Credential
Certificate of Planetary Competency
Issued by the Earth School Department of Resident Preparedness
Level I Earthling
- ✓Understands gravity
- ✓Can use a calendar
- ✓Demonstrates basic accountability
- ✓Has attempted dishwashing
- ✓Recognizes other people as independently real
- ✓Returns shopping carts when conditions permit
Earth
School
Seal
School
Seal
Faculty Recruitment
Earth School Requires Faculty
We are accepting applications from experienced Earth residents who have developed practical knowledge through work, family, failure, recovery, responsibility, service, and repeated exposure to consequences.
We are not seeking gurus, prophets, influencers, or individuals who have declared themselves fully evolved.
Ideal instructors are
- Competent
- Humble
- Funny
- Patient
- Self-aware
- Experienced
- Able to say “I don’t know”
- Willing to teach without forming a following
Knowing everything may disqualify you.
Possible Faculty Titles
- Senior Earth Orientation Officer
- Housemaster of Human Maintenance
- Instructor of Consequences
- Professor of Family Translation
- Director of Shopping Cart Ethics
- Chair of Planetary Adjustment
- Visiting Lecturer in Common Sense
Selected Field Reports
“I arrived believing everyone else was the problem. By Week 7, the faculty presented additional evidence.”
Human, Age 46
“Gravity was initially disappointing, but the syllabus was clear.”
Recent Arrival, Origin Withheld
“We had nearly given up. He now owns a calendar.”
Parent of Student
“I successfully ran a department of 400 people but had never loaded a dishwasher correctly.”
Former Executive
“I would like to enroll my husband without notifying him.”
Anonymous Spouse
Enrollment
Choose Your Launch Pad
Select the orientation package that best matches your current level of planetary confusion. Both include full Bootcamp access.
Standard
Course includes
Bootcamp
- Personalized Strategy Session$995
- Live Learning sessions$1,500
- Live Skill Building sessions$1,500
- Private community access$500
- Course Completion Customized Woobie$2,000
- Lifetime Access to Course Materials$500
Total value: $6,995
$1,995
One-time payment
Only 5 Premium spots available per cohort
Premium Cohort
Premier
Course includes
Bootcamp + Coaching
- Standard Course Material$6,995
- 1-on-1 Technical Coaching$3,500
- Private Signal Support Access$1,500
- Earth School Bootcamp Graduation Plaque$500
- 1 signed letter of completion (for insurance)$2,000
- Recognition in future classes | Instructor quality$2,000
Total value: $16,495
$4,995
One-time payment
Only 5 Premium spots available per cohort
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14-Day Money Back Guarantee
Your satisfaction is important to us. If you are not satisfied with our training, we will return your money, no questions asked.
Office of Admissions · Form ES-3
Not Ready to Enroll? Join the Mailing List.
Add your address to the registry. We will send orientation dates, cohort openings, and occasional field notes on living here. No spaceship required.
You’re Already on Earth.
You may as well learn how it works.
No spaceship required.